After hearing the terrible news from the Princess of Wales, I suspect many parents will have thought about themselves and their own children. While our thoughts are of course with Kate and her family, many people across the country, as she said on Friday, have cancer.
Unfortunately, like Kate, many of them will have young children – and they will be concerned about the best way to communicate with them.
Over the course of my career, I have worked in psycho-oncology, providing mental health care to patients with cancer and their families. What to say to children about cancer and how to do it is a problem we often faced.
When I worked in breast surgery, I was often surprised that after being diagnosed with cancer, women’s first question was often what they would say to their children. This is what I said to the mothers I helped…
The Princess of Wales revealed she was undergoing ‘preventive’ chemotherapy after being diagnosed with cancer following major abdominal surgery in January.
Following her cancer diagnosis, Kate’s first concern will be for her young family: George, ten, Charlotte, eight, and Louis, five.
Keep talking
The natural instinct is to want to protect children; that’s normal for any parent. But I have seen how this instinct can sometimes be misled; excluding them will only make them more concerned.
They know something is happening. If you don’t keep them informed and up to date, their imaginations can run wild and they may start to imagine the worst. How you broach the subject obviously depends on the age of the child.
One thing you need to keep in mind is that you need to be prepared for what you say to older children to be passed on to younger siblings. This is good; it doesn’t help to keep secrets among children.
Creating a culture where you are open and talk to them openly gives them permission to ask questions and tell you how they feel.
Be honest with them: If they notice you hiding something or avoiding a topic, they may become even more concerned.
Let them help
Many children, especially older children, can feel very powerless. This can increase their distress. Instead of trying to protect them by keeping them away, give them the tasks you would normally do and explain how this will help you with your recovery.
Encourage them to volunteer around the house or care for younger siblings, and don’t forget to praise them. Don’t criticize them if it’s not done to your standard. It’s not about the task, it’s about making them feel useful.
Prepare them
Children can handle a lot if they are prepared. So if you are going to lose your hair or get very sick, explain in advance that this is going to happen, but remind them that it is not something to worry about because it is part of getting better.
Show children pictures of hospital wards, scanning machines and so on to help them get used to the words they will hear, and make sure they have clear images in their heads that are not scary or threatening.
Words like chemotherapy can sound scary, so we used to just say “drug.”
For younger children, we often had them dress up as nurses, doctors and patients. They took turns caring for each other and were encouraged to think about how the patient might be feeling and what the doctor or nurse might say to make him or her feel better.
Remember routine
Children often thrive with structure. Although there is often disruption and uncertainty when undergoing cancer treatment, try to maintain the usual routine as best as possible.
If things need to change – for example, someone else needs to pick them up from school – make sure they know in advance and remind them often. Explain whether this is a one-off or whether it will be regular.
Fun is important
Cancer treatment can be grueling and tiring. Try to organize a fun family event regularly, even if it’s something small like going to the park. Make it clear to the children that this is family time and involve them in planning it.
Keep adult conversations separate
Children hear things. If you need to have an adult conversation, assume you can’t have it in the house when the kids are there. They will hear it and even if they can’t, they often know you are saying something you don’t want them to hear and this will worry them.
Go for a walk or make sure they are out of the house. Those people who offered to help? Call them and ask if they would like to watch the children for an hour.
Bring in the school
Make sure the school is aware of this and ask them to contact you if there are any problems. Teachers are sometimes reluctant to reach out if there are behavioral issues or changes because they think you are already dealing with enough.
Still, knowing your child’s issues can be very helpful in identifying the issues your child is struggling with so you can address them head-on before things escalate.
For more information visit macmillan.org.uk
Children aged 12 and over are allowed to watch cannabis smoking on film under the new film classification rules. I work in a service for people with psychosis. Most have a history of cannabis use. We turn a blind eye to this horrible, life-destroying drug.
Is there such a thing as coincidence?
Last week I had an extraordinary time at the theater. I went to see Tracey-Ann Oberman’s version of The Merchant Of Venice. The actress plays Shylock in a production set against the rise of anti-Semitism in Britain in the 1930s.
It seemed incredibly timely to me, given the horrific rise of anti-Semitism in Britain today. I assumed the production was a response to current events, when in fact it was five years in the making and first presented before the October 7 attacks.
It was reminiscent of 20th century Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung, who came up with the idea of ”synchronicity” and was convinced that everything in the universe is intimately connected and that things like coincidences were evidence of something greater, which he called the collective unconscious.
Tracy-Ann Oberman plays Shylock in The Merchant of Venice – a production set against the rise of anti-Semitism in Britain in the 1930s
He believed that we all share certain elements of unconsciousness with all other people, something we tap into without realizing it, but which influences our choices and understanding of the world.
According to Jung’s theory, Tracey-Ann had sensed the future rise of anti-Semitism and responded with this production precisely when it was most needed. Of course, this does not stand up to scientific scrutiny. It could just be a coincidence.
But I like the reminder that we are all connected by a common humanity. Maybe it doesn’t even matter what the explanation is.
The fact remains that last week I stood in a theater in a city that has seen so much hostility and aggression towards the Jewish community week in and week out, and clapped and cheered actors who took a stand against anti-Semitism and reminded us that Hate will only get us but drift apart.
Dr. Max writes for…
Instead of giving a child a chocolate egg this Easter, how about a pretty egg cup to encourage him or her to eat a boiled egg for breakfast every morning? It is a good source of energy and is packed with vitamins D, E, B6 and calcium and zinc.
Eating eggs regularly also increases levels of high-density lipoprotein (HDL) – the ‘good’ cholesterol. Those with higher HDL have a lower risk of heart disease and stroke.
Instead of giving a child a chocolate egg this Easter, how about a pretty egg cup to encourage him or her to eat a boiled egg for breakfast every morning?
