Dear Jane,
My teenage daughter has been going through a bit of a rough time lately and her mood is becoming increasingly difficult to control.
After a particularly bad tantrum where she fled our house, I sank to a rather terrible low and started rummaging around her room trying to find something – anything! – that would give me some insight into what’s going on with her.
While I was poking around, I came across her diary and, sorry to say, I started reading it, and what I read was just awful.
They say you can’t read a bell, and it turns out you can’t read a diary either.
Dear Jane, I was poking around in my daughter’s room and ended up reading her diary – I am so hurt by what she wrote about me
I discovered that she has been harboring all sorts of hateful feelings toward me for months—and that she has essentially lost all respect for me because she thinks my role as a stay-at-home wife and mother makes me “useless” and “lazy.”
She feels that I am jealous of her and that I am determined to stop her from pursuing her “dream” of becoming a singer because I am jealous that I have not been able to achieve the same success in my own life.
It went on and on.
By the time I forced myself to close the damn thing, I was in tears. And I haven’t been able to look her in the eye since.
Please believe me when I say that I know I did the wrong thing by reading the diary in the first place; As desperate as I was, I shouldn’t have invaded her privacy like that. But the fact is, I did it, and now I know exactly how she feels.
So what should I do about it?
I don’t even know how to approach the conversation; it’s clear that our relationship is incredibly damaged, but I don’t know how to fix it.
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I’ve come to terms with the fact that I have to admit to her that I read her diary – although I haven’t even been able to bring myself to tell my husband – but I’m terrified that I have. I’m just going to give her more ammunition against me.
Please help.
Hopeless Snooper
Dear Hopeless Snooper,
This is why you don’t read other people’s diaries, text messages, or emails. I am very sorry to confirm what you already know: this is a huge betrayal of trust, and even though you may now be enlightened and want to repair the relationship with your daughter, you are in an impossible situation.
You cannot and should not tell your daughter that you read her diary. The betrayal is so enormous, especially for a young girl expressing her deepest thoughts, and you won’t be doing your relationship any favors if you try to assuage your guilt with honesty.
I’m afraid you have to wear this now. But since you now know exactly how she feels, and given – I think – your willingness to fix it, you’re allowed to do so.
Not by confessing, but by your unconditional love and support for her in following her dreams, by your encouragement. Telling her you’re not jealous doesn’t matter – you need to show her now how much you support her.
As for moodiness, it’s not your job to control her moods, but to recognize that this is all part of her growing up, and that trying to deal with what feels uncomfortable to you gives her the subconscious message that she doesn’t matter. not important, and she has no right to feel what she feels.
It’s very easy to get caught up in our children, to let their mood dictate how we feel.
Learning to distance yourself, to understand that her moods are her moods, that you didn’t cause them, that you can’t control them—nor cure them—is critical to a healthy relationship between the two of you.
There is a lot of literature on codependency, and al-anon meetings provide a wealth of information on how to disengage from the behavior of others that makes you feel uncomfortable.
As for her seeing you as useless and lazy, let that go. She doesn’t feel seen or heard and expresses her frustration and anger with low-hanging fruit. She will feel differently as she gets older, especially if she feels loved and supported by you.
It’s never too late to change nor to learn a lesson. Snooping never ends well; Please don’t do it again, and please focus on letting your daughter be who she is, rather than who you want her to be, so that you feel comfortable.
Dear Jane,
I met my boyfriend’s parents for the first time recently and it was a disaster from start to finish.
First of all, I arrived late due to a public transport nightmare, which got the whole evening off to a bad start. During the meal I choked on my food and coughed it all over the table.
As if that wasn’t bad enough, I made the stupid mistake of making a joke about Donald Trump — only to find out that both my friend’s father and mother voted for him and plan to do so again to do.
By the end of the meal I was about to die of shame – even though they looked like they had been sucking on sour lemons for the entire meal.
My friend keeps laughing about it and assures me they aren’t offended or angry, but I just have this horrible feeling in my stomach that they will forever judge me on that first impression.
I normally consider myself a pretty “together” person, but this whole thing has turned me into a paranoid mess. I’m desperate for more security, but I’m not sure how to get it? I’ve thought about sending them flowers or a card to apologize, but my boyfriend insists I’d make a bigger deal out of it.
I know he gets annoyed because I keep bringing it up, but I can’t get it out of my mind.
Any ideas how I can calm down?!
By,
Date Night Shame
Dear Date Night Shame,
This doesn’t sound as bad as you think, but either way, a thank you card with an apology for being late would suffice. Having a partner’s parents love you is what so many of us want, but trying too hard will likely push them away.
The next time you see them, try to relax and be yourself.
Your boyfriend doesn’t sound concerned about your behavior or his parents’ reaction. A handwritten thank you card is always nice to receive and would undoubtedly go a long way to creating a good second impression.
And please stop worrying about it. They don’t know you, and it’s not your job to make them love you. Be natural, be yourself and see how it goes.
