We’ve all heard the word thrown at someone or whispered behind a hand. She took the last cookie on the plate during the meeting? What a narcissist! He let the door swing in your face? What. A narcissist.
But is this interpretation correct, or is the word so overused today that it has lost all meaning?
How can we know if our husband, mother-in-law or boss actually suffers from narcissistic personality disorder and is not just thoughtless?
Trauma coach Caroline Strawson, author of the new book How To Heal After Narcissistic Abuse, outlines six warning signs that there may be a narcissist in your life.
A narcissist’s shape-shifting behavior makes it harder for people to believe you when you tell them who they really are.
1. They don’t take responsibility for bad behavior
Narcissists will not apologize for the misery they cause. It is always someone else’s fault. They will say, “I had to do this because you said so!” Normal people might not talk to their partner for a while after an argument, but eventually they will crawl over to them, mumble an apology, and take some of the blame. But the narcissist will not do that, because they don’t think that way.
2. They are charming in public, but controlling in private
Narcissists are like chameleons. They can hype you up with hurtful comments before a night out with friends until they provoke an emotional response. Then, at dinner, they are the life and soul while you are oppressed because they made you feel awful. In effect, they made you look like the “crazy one.”
This shape-shifting behavior makes it harder for people to believe you when you tell them what they’re really like. “But they always seem so nice,” they’ll say.
3. Whether overt or covert, all narcissists crave attention
There are two main types of narcissists. The “overt” type, who may be your boss, walks into a room and demands attention. It’s their way or the highway. The “covert” narcissist is harder to spot.
Although they are controlling in private, they play the victim in public. When you have a cold, they have the flu. They may complain about their partner, so friends say, “But you are such a good husband!” They also demand attention and praise. We therapists call this “narcissistic supply.”
4. Most people feel bad when they hurt someone. Narcissists don’t!
We can all be selfish or insensitive, but the difference between a narcissist and the rest of us is that we usually feel empathy for others. When we hurt someone, we feel bad and want to make it right. A narcissist has no empathy.
5. They are as cheeky as a toddler and always have to win
The narcissist has the mindset of a three year old and only their needs matter. If they are your partner or boss, you will walk on eggshells to keep the peace. If you find fault, they will yell, become silent or hit back with a personal attack. The narcissist always wants to win.
6. They are adept at gaslighting behavior
A narcissist will manipulate you until you question your own sanity. You might see a mysterious text on your partner’s phone, but when you ask who it was, they’ll say, “Don’t be ridiculous, there’s nothing on there.” If you insist you saw it, they’ll shift the focus to your behavior. “You’re such a drama queen!” they’ll say. You’re left feeling like you’re in the wrong.
How To Heal After Narcissistic Abuse, by Caroline Strawson, is now available
- This article was originally published in March by Mail+