A prominent New York City lawyer has told how he juggles a complicated home life with the girlfriend of a millionaire screenwriter while also caring for his wife with Alzheimer’s disease.
Townsend Davis said in a heartfelt op-ed for the New York Times that he is still struggling to cope with his reality, eight years after his art director wife Bridget’s diagnosis.
With two sons, aged 11 and 13 at the time, Bridget begged him to ‘please go find someone else’, leading him to embark on a whirlwind romance with writer Deborah Copaken, Emily in Paris.
Townsend shared their story to help others live their own lives while caring for a sick loved one. After he and his new love shared their first Thanksgiving with his wife and children, she was left with a startling reaction.
“I can’t help but feel like an intruder.”
Top lawyer Townsend Davis shared a candid insight into his life with his girlfriend, screenwriter Deborah Copaken (pictured together), while his wife lives at home
Townsend’s wife Bridget (right) was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease eight years ago, dramatically turning their lives upside down
Townsend said their Thanksgiving last year should have been just like any other when his family gathered for their traditional meal.
“Turkey, potatoes, cranberry sauce, gravy and a mixture of mashed yams and mini marshmallows that we affectionately call ‘glop,’” he wrote.
But while others piled their plates high, Deborah sat with a tear in her eye, which he wrote to his wife and barely recognized her own son just before eating.
Deborah was married for 25 years until she divorced in 2018, and their three children celebrated with her ex-husband a few miles away.
However, as the meal came to an end and she drove to her lavish $2.9 million apartment in Brooklyn, she revealed what had actually bothered her.
“This is her vacation in her house, and I’m taking her place, but she’s still here,” she said.
“I know it’s irrational, but I can’t help but think that she must feel that displacement.”
The problem is common among those who care for a loved one with Alzheimer’s disease, because Townsend had no intention of divorcing his wife or stopping caring for her when she barely knew who he was.
Townsend recalled how he slowly started dating his wife back home, saying he initially put it off for years because he was sure he would be wracked with guilt the moment he met someone new.
Bridget had been a strong arts manager before her diagnosis, but realized something was wrong when she started running stop signs, burning pots and even forgetting to show up for her own 50th birthday dinner.
Townsend seen with his new girlfriend during a fundraising walk for his wife in Central Park
It took him six years to broach the subject until prompted by a mutual friend on a surfing day in Montauk, who was concerned that he was lonely and left Deborah without company after her divorce.
At that first meeting, he bluntly told the writer, “I’m okay with never getting married again and getting different things from different people.”
At the time, he claimed dating was out of the question. The duo would meet for bike rides and movies, all for friendship rather than romance.
“After a few months I started asking myself, ‘What exactly am I waiting for?’” he wrote.
‘If for some reason it didn’t work out, I would be back to square one: married but essentially alone.’
But after taking a leap of faith that he likened to diving into an icy ocean, Townsend said he kissed Deborah on a Friday evening and “suddenly my life took on a new dimension.”
“Our romance did so many things at once,” he wrote.
“It helped me regain hope, process loss, rediscover wonder, and remember what it was like to be in a reciprocal relationship.”
The new romance caught him off guard, as he had been caring for Bridget for years with the help of a caregiver, and had moved to a separate part of the house as her condition continued to deteriorate.
Without the usual dexterity of his wife – who had her organize the budgets of the Museum of Modern Art and the Whitney Museum on Excel spreadsheets before her diagnosis – the attention of his new lover blew him away.
“The first time she made me dinner, I almost fell off my chair with gratitude.”
Despite feelings of guilt and confusion about his wife at home, Townsend said his relationship with Deborah “helped me regain hope, process loss, rediscover wonder and remember what it was like to be in a reciprocal relationship.”
For others in a similar position, Townsend’s op-ed shared aspects that made Deborah the ideal partner to navigate the complex situation, as she gave him the space to be with his wife without jealousy.
While talking about their relationship, he shared candid details about how his wife refused in front of his eyes.
As a high-ranking arts manager, Bridget had refused to accept that her initial symptoms were serious, and had waited until she made dangerous mistakes before seeking help.
This included running stop signs, burning pots, and even forgetting to show up for her own 50th birthday dinner.
But after her condition worsened, she was barely able to agree to his new relationship, leaving him in limbo where all he had to do was rely on her early insistence that he find a new partner.
Townsend admitted that when he told his wife about Deborah and she said it was a “good idea,” he was sure she didn’t understand what he was talking about.
