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‘Took a bath, said goodbye to my body… made love after dinner’: Haunting final diary entry of famous poet who killed herself aged 39 is revealed in grieving husband’s new book

The haunting final diary entry of a famous poet who committed suicide at the age of 39 is revealed three years later in her grieving husband’s new book.

Molly Brodak, who wrote A Little Middle of the Night and appeared on the Great American Baking Show, took her own life on March 8, 2020, after being diagnosed with a brain tumor.

Her heartbroken husband Blake Butler shared the news on Twitter, saying: ‘My partner Molly Brodak passed away yesterday. I don’t know how else to tell it.’

Now he has revealed the last diary entry the poet wrote, which one reviewer described as ‘as beautiful as it is horrifying’.

It read: ‘I took a bath, said goodbye to my body. We ate grilled halloumi and made love after dinner and watched our favorite things on TV.

‘I feel like I can see everything so clearly this morning. I’ve been pretending all my life.’

Poet Molly Brodak, 39, tragically took her own life in March 2020 after being diagnosed with a brain tumor, leaving behind devastated husband Blake Butler.  The couple is pictured together

Poet Molly Brodak, 39, tragically took her own life in March 2020 after being diagnosed with a brain tumor, leaving behind devastated husband Blake Butler. The couple is pictured together

Butler confronts the gruesome details of Molly's death and its aftermath, providing an unflinching account of the impact on the living.  Butler was the one who found her body.

Butler confronts the gruesome details of Molly's death and its aftermath, providing an unflinching account of the impact on the living.  Butler was the one who found her body.

Butler confronts the gruesome details of Molly’s death and its aftermath, providing an unflinching account of the impact on the living. Butler was the one who found her body.

Butler confronts the gruesome details of Molly's death and its aftermath, providing an unflinching account of the impact on the living.  Butler was the one who found her body

Butler confronts the gruesome details of Molly's death and its aftermath, providing an unflinching account of the impact on the living.  Butler was the one who found her body

Butler confronts the gruesome details of Molly’s death and its aftermath, providing an unflinching account of the impact on the living. Butler was the one who found her body

Butler confronts the gruesome details of Molly’s death and its aftermath, providing an unflinching account of the impact on him after he finds her body.

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“I’m leaving it all up to me to find it that way,” Butler explains, along with a suicide note, which she taped to their front door for him to see on the way back from a run.

“How she arranged for me to be the one to look for her body was itself a form of violence,” he writes.

From the beginning of ‘Molly’, the book tells about her troubled character, rooted in her past.

Molly grew up with a criminal father, as described in her memoir “Bandit.”

She was just thirteen when her seemingly normal childhood was disrupted after her father was sent to prison for a series of bank robberies.

Butler also talks about how he’s not alone and has to battle his own demons, including becoming dependent on alcohol.

He delves into Molly’s last diaries, poems, emails and social messages in the book.

'Took a bath, said goodbye to my body.  We ate grilled halloumi and made love after dinner and watched our favorite things on TV.  I feel like I can see everything so clearly this morning.  I've been pretending all my life,” she wrote

'Took a bath, said goodbye to my body.  We ate grilled halloumi and made love after dinner and watched our favorite things on TV.  I feel like I can see everything so clearly this morning.  I've been pretending all my life,” she wrote

‘Took a bath, said goodbye to my body. We ate grilled halloumi and made love after dinner and watched our favorite things on TV. I feel like I can see everything so clearly this morning. I’ve been pretending all my life,” she wrote

At Molly's memorial service, Butler shared with Butler some of the 40 poems—one for each year of her life—that he had written especially for her but never received

At Molly's memorial service, Butler shared with Butler some of the 40 poems—one for each year of her life—that he had written especially for her but never received

At Molly’s memorial service, Butler shared with Butler some of the 40 poems—one for each year of her life—that he had written especially for her but never received

In it, he channels the anguish of a grieving lover as he flips through Molly’s childhood diaries, lists and gifts that offer a glimpse into her complex world.

But this brings its own challenges for Butler, as he continues to drink alcohol and even considers ending his own life to be reunited with Molly.

At Molly’s memorial service, Butler shared some of the forty poems—one for each year of her life—that he had written especially for her but never received.

He reads from a ‘sunny yellow notebook full of forty poems, one for each year of her life, which I had been working on for months as a surprise for her next birthday, in a few weeks…’ I wish I had given them to her sooner given, I imagined, then perhaps I wouldn’t be sitting here reading aloud about her mind,” he writes.

Butler tells how Molly seemed preoccupied with death, but the book dedicated to his wife describes the complexities of grief, suggesting that, given the right perspective, even the black hole of loss can yield something meaningful.

If you or someone you know needs help, you can reach Samaritans NYC at 212-673-3000 or the Trevor Lifeline at 1-866-488-7386.

For confidential help, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline on 988 or click here.

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