I like to think I’m a pretty positive person. It takes a lot to get me down and I tend to choose friends who are the happy type. But not long ago I hit rock bottom in a relationship. It had become so toxic and my self-esteem had never been so low. I lost about 5kg in two weeks, and I found myself questioning everything.
I know, grim.
After a particularly bad fight with my husband, I received a text from him that immediately sent a chill down my spine. It heightened all my senses and for the first time in a long time I realized that I had to remove myself from this scary situation I had found myself in.
It said: ‘You have made me a dangerous enemy.’
I knew immediately he wasn’t messing around, and I knew exactly what the threat meant. It meant you had to be on your guard.
After a tough fight with my husband, I got a text from him that immediately sent a shiver down my spine. It heightened all my senses. I had to remove myself from this scary situation
There were a lot of warning signs about a guy I was dating. The first was his ‘jokes’ about the creepy people he knew. He said things like ‘so don’t mess with me haha’
I did two things after I got that message. The first was booking a flight to New York for the following week, because your body tends to go into ‘fight or flight’ mode when you feel threatened, and in this case I went for the flight selected. Literal.
The second thing I did was book a session with my wonderful French therapist. She may be small in stature, but she is extremely strong in her advice, and I needed someone to steer the ship for a while.
When I walked into her office, I burst into tears and said, “I just need you to give me the right tools to get out of this situation.” You see, the problem with a toxic relationship is that you can’t just turn off your feelings, even though you know the person is bad for you.
I was just as scared of him, yet still in love with him. Not a great position to be in, and one I never thought I would encounter again.
She gave me a tissue and told me to take a breath. We spent the next hour unpacking how I got myself into a “situation” with a man who would make such a threat in the first place, and some steps to get myself out of it. She also emphasized that it was important that I noticed the red flags earlier and left as soon as they appeared, rather than charging headfirst into them like a bull.
Oh, how I love her straightforwardness.
As we took a trip down memory lane, I realized that there were a lot of red flags flying from the beginning. The first was his ‘jokes’ about the creepy people he knew. He said things like ‘so don’t mess with me haha’.
The second red flag was the way he talked about his last two ex-girlfriends. After a few drinks he would always say how ‘crazy’ they were. He never went into details, just said they were “crazy” or “mean.”
On second thought, I have no doubt that these women were probably driven crazy by his toxic actions. I thought about my exes and realized they were all really nice.
Over the next few months, my therapist gave me some great advice on how to avoid future warning signs. If you’re someone who’s attracted to the more blush-based men among us, hopefully they’ll be useful to you too.
If something doesn’t feel right, get a second opinion from a loved one or a therapist. It certainly worked for me
1. As soon as you see a red flag, address it
She explained that honest and open dialogue from the very beginning of a relationship helps create a safe space where you can share concerns and set healthy boundaries. Sure, for an anxious avoider like me, this sounds like a horrible conversation, but she explained that the more you do it, the better you get at it.
For example, instead of laughing awkwardly at his jokes about not messing with him because he “knows people,” I should have said, “Hey, that makes me a little uncomfortable.” What do you mean?’.
2. Trust your feelings
If it sounds like a threat, it usually is. If you suddenly feel uncomfortable or unsafe around someone, trust your feelings and leave. We always look back on bad relationships and think ‘deep down I think I knew this wasn’t a good idea from the start’, but we ignore it because we are filled with lust and dopamine. At the beginning of a relationship, listen less to your libido and more to your feelings.
3. Leave quietly
If you are dealing with someone who has strong narcissistic tendencies, or who is currently in a bad mood, you will notice that he or she tends to look for trouble. Wound their ego and they will throw an adult-sized tantrum. Instead of ending the relationship in a big dramatic fight, simply explain to him or her why you are leaving in a calm manner and give him or her plenty of space.
4. Always be prepared, like a good boy scout
Some alarm signals can be very subtle. So if you notice something that doesn’t feel quite right, make a note of it. The occasional white lie, or a touch of love bombing, could just be them trying to impress you. But when they start to pile up, you may realize too late that you’re in a bad situation. Enjoy the beginning of a relationship, but always stay alert.
5. Be kind to yourself
And finally, I think the most important thing to do when you realize you’re in a toxic relationship is to be kind to yourself. We have all made mistakes and been caught up in the passionate fire that these situations bring. You can’t make smart decisions from a bad headspace. So remind yourself that you are human, and surround yourself with friends and family who only want the best for you. This is not the time to hide. If something doesn’t feel right, get a second opinion from a loved one or a therapist. It definitely worked for me!
If you or someone you know is in a dangerous or potentially dangerous situation, call 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) for anonymous help from professionals, 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
