Dear Jane,
Five years ago I had a rather brutal argument with both my parents. There was money involved, horrible things were said on both sides, and it pretty much destroyed our relationship to the point where I didn’t speak to either of my parents for two years.
To this day, my mother and I are still estranged and only talk to each other when absolutely necessary. But my dad and I started to make up about two years ago when he contacted me because he found out he had cancer.
We haven’t really talked about my mother… I think we both knew it wasn’t worth bringing the whole story into the conversation as we tried our best to get past it. And despite the cloud hanging over our heads, we mended our relationship quite well. We spoke about twice a week and for a while we made an effort to see each other once a month.
But then my father’s health deteriorated and he ended up in the hospital. My mother sent me an email – an email! – to let me know, and I rushed to be by his side as quickly as possible, only to find that my mother had denied me access to his hospital room.
Dear Jane, My mother has banned me from attending my own father’s funeral – and I am absolutely heartbroken
I confronted her about it, tried to explain that Dad and I were in a good place again, and that I knew he would want to see me, but she refused to listen. She said he didn’t need the stress of seeing such an ungrateful daughter while he felt so unwell.
He died less than two weeks later. And I never had the chance to say goodbye in person.
As if that wasn’t devastating enough, when I contacted my mother about his funeral arrangements, she said I wasn’t welcome. That she couldn’t bear me being there when I had upset her and my father so much.
I was speechless. Despite everything we’ve been through, I never thought she would be so cruel as to deny me my last chance to say goodbye to a man who meant too much to me. And honestly, I hate her for it.
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I got the details for one of my cousins’ funerals and I’m considering just showing up. I don’t want to cause a scene, I will stand at the back of the room and avoid my mother at all costs, but surely I deserve the opportunity to be there and honor the wonderful man my father was?
Even if it means cutting ties with my mother for good?
By,
Grieving daughter
Dear grieving daughter,
I am so, so sorry for your loss and for your continued pain.
Funerals are a way to acknowledge someone’s life, to come together to support each other as the living grieve.
You deserve all of these things, as well as the opportunity to say goodbye to your father, but given how determined your mother has been in not wanting you to be present, I’m afraid your presence could cause greater drama that detracts from you. ability to get the closure you need.
You don’t want to cause a scene, but I’m not sure there’s any way to avoid this if you show up at the funeral. As much as you want to say goodbye, I think the stress of being seen and your mother’s possible resulting behavior will make it difficult for you to say the peaceful goodbye you would like.
I am truly saddened by your mother’s behavior. I wish things were different, I wish she wasn’t so punitive, I wish she could learn to forgive. But the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Your mother won’t welcome you when she sees you at his funeral, and chances are you’ll be in even more pain than you already are.
These are the reasons why I don’t think you should attend his funeral. What I think you should do instead is celebrate your father’s life with your own ceremony. Gather people you love who knew him, tell stories about him, and acknowledge him appropriately with a prayer of your choice. Say goodbye to him in your own way, safe in the knowledge that there will be no family outbursts.
Sending you lots of love and hoping for a peaceful ending.
Dear Jane,
I have a great relationship with my son – and my daughter-in-law – except for one major sticking point. My daughter-in-law seems completely incapable of cleaning up their house and it is filthy.
We’re not just talking about a few piles of dirty clothes, we’re talking about dirty dishes that have to sit in the sink for days (if not weeks) on end, dust balls the size of cats, sticky residue on every surface, old food that being pushed along the sides of the couch… the list goes on.
They have three young children, who always seem to be getting sick, and I can’t help but think that it doesn’t do them any good to be surrounded by dirt and germs?
My son works full time and my daughter-in-law is home with the children every day to take care of them. What I appreciate is a full-time job in itself – but it wouldn’t be too much to ask her to run an anti-bac wipe on the counter every now and then, would it?
I tried everything to gently express my feelings, even offering to get them a cleaner once a week for a few months as a Christmas present, but my daughter-in-law said she didn’t feel comfortable with a stranger in the neighbourhood. the children because ‘who knows what germs they bring into the house’. What an irony.
I feel so uncomfortable every time I go there and I try to clean as much as I can when I’m there, but of course I want to spend time with my grandchildren, not cleaning up after their whole family.
I really don’t want to be rude or make them feel bad, but this can’t go on any longer.
What am I saying?
By,
Grime-hating grandma
Dear Grime-hating Grandma,
Their house sounds pretty disgusting indeed – the old food being pushed down the side of the couch might take the cake. I’m praying it’s cookies or chips instead of burgers or macaroni and cheese, but either way, it doesn’t sound good.
That said, do you have other concerns? Is it just the house dirty, or are the children’s clothes unclean? Are the children washed and cared for? Is it just the house or have there been other problems?
You need to sit down with your son and express your concern that the children’s environment is unhealthy. Perhaps you can sit around the table with your son and daughter-in-law.
If the circumstances persist and you have genuine and legitimate concerns about the welfare of the children, you should contact the authorities. If the police determine that the environment is not safe and there is reason to do so, the children may be placed with a family member until the situation is resolved.
It is likely that once the authorities become involved, your son and daughter-in-law will be forced to take parenting classes that teach them sanitary household practices and safety measures. Few parents deliberately create a dirty environment for their children; they honestly don’t know how to do it better and learning new skills will only benefit their family.
I am sorry that it has come to this and that some kind of intervention has to take place to ensure the safety of the children.
