How much does your partner really know about you? Do they have any idea about your guilty pleasures, the text message you fantasize about sending or the most cringe-worthy moment of your life?
Even if you’ve been together for years, the chances are probably slim.
That’s why it takes courage to try out the new generation of couples’ board games that claim to function as do-it-yourself relationship therapy.
The goal of these adult games is not to win or lose, but to reveal secrets you previously kept hidden from your partner – and vice versa – with the aim of bringing you closer together and even breaking up a marriage rut.
So, as I approach 25 years of marriage to my husband Anthony, which ones have the twists and turns to improve our openness and which ones will reveal uncomfortable truths better left unsaid?
Where should we start?
Where should we start? £41, unusualgoods.com
£41, unusualgoods.com
Featuring a royal blue box embossed with gold lettering, this game is deliberately designed to look like an expensive box of chocolates, according to relationship therapist Esther Perel, who created it based on her popular podcast of the same name.
Inside are also a lot of cards – 250 in total – but this time they look more like opening lines in a story that each partner has to tell about themselves.
Anthony and I decide to play the simplest version of the game.
We randomly dealt seven cards to each other and then combined them with another set of prompt cards, designed to set the tone for the answer, for example by directing you to reveal it in a more daring, humorous or thoughtful way.
I soon realized that Esther’s rather itchy questions seemed to imply a life that is more exciting than the one we actually have.
Questions that occurred to me included: ‘In my last fantasy…’ (Answer: I’m lying on a lounge chair in the Maldives), ‘A kink I don’t understand…’ (Answer: I don’t think about other people’s sex lives, let alone try to understand them) and ‘ My most persistent vice…’ (Answer: Waitrose tea biscuits).
To test him, I asked Anthony a few tough questions, like, “The last time I cheated…” and “I get bored during sex when…”
He wisely told me he had nothing to say about either of them and quickly moved on to the next card in his deck.
I pinned him on his most cringe-worthy sexual memory (being dragged into a train toilet by a sex-crazed college girlfriend) and his worst kiss (a girl he met on a school trip and kissed like a vacuum cleaner).
Overall, the questions seemed mainly designed to encourage clickbait-style confessions.
Honestly, if Anthony was keeping that many secrets from me, it would be a sign that our marriage was in trouble.
Indeed, this is not a game to play if your relationship is on the rocks due to dark secrets or unresolved issues.
The game isn’t that fun either – because we both found it so hard to rack our brains for incidents we hadn’t confessed before.
Esther’s playing also lacked Alain’s finesse. One mind-boggling sentence to finish: “If anyone can hear me going to the toilet…”
Call me prim, but what answer could there be to this? Bring a speaker?
Rating: 5/10
CONNECT
CONNECT £20.98, amazon.co.uk
£20.98, Amazon.co.uk
When I invited Anthony to play, he was disappointed that this wasn’t an adult version of Connect Four.
Instead, it’s a game from philosopher Alain De Botton’s School of Life – a neat red box containing 100 cards, divided by color and different topics: Appreciation, Aspiration, Desire, Forgiveness and Growth.
The idea is for couples to choose a card and ask their partner a question from the corresponding category. The idea is that each answer will spark a conversation that improves how well you understand and interact with each other. “Answer with depth and sincerity,” Alain purrs.
To avoid potential arguments, Alain urges us to “show mutual respect when disclosing tender material” and “relearn who you both are.”
“You both take risks for the noblest of reasons: because you still love each other very much.”
We scoff at this rather cringe-worthy phrasing, but because his intentions seem dignified—and these days our marital conversations usually revolve around house insurance and changing the kitty litter—we move on.
Anthony’s first roll of the dice tells him to draw from the pile of desires. His question to me is, “How would you like to come back together at the end of each day?”
This comes at the right time.
I’m really sick of Anthony taking his computer to bed to check his emails. Instead of bringing it up, I responded in a tit-for-tat style by immersing myself in my own laptop and using the time to post on social media for work.
Result: A missed opportunity to reconnect and a lot of mutual nagging as we turn our backs on each other after turning off the lights.
But hallelujah – this card has given me the opportunity to identify the problem.
“Oh, I thought you were at work,” Anthony said in shock when I explained how I wanted things to change.
‘I thought [its] You [its] were,” I replied.
“Okay, let’s leave the computers downstairs and read a book together,” he replied.
Just one question – and I’m already feeling warmer and fuzzier and our communication is improving.
Inevitably, after a quarter of a century of marriage, we have also stopped telling each other what we appreciate about each other.
So my question from the Appreciation pile leads me to ask Anthony to complete this sentence: “What I really admire about you….”
To be honest, I had no idea what he would come out with. When he quickly responded, “Your honesty,” I almost fell off the couch.
All the while, I had espoused my outspoken views on everything from family politics to parenting to music, which made him think I was a pain in the ass.
“No,” he announced, “It’s refreshing. You always get straight to the point.’
Wow, I finally feel seen. The atmosphere of the evening became softer and softer.
As a psychotherapist in training, I am more aware than ever that so much unfinished business from childhood can emerge in today’s relationships.
So the next question on Anthony’s pile was a particularly smart one, one we never thought we’d ask each other.
“If I had known you as a child, I might have liked…”
Knowing that my early years were turbulent, thanks to my parents’ divorce and move to the other side of the world, Anthony replied, “I wanted to hold your hand when you cried.”
When he said this, I almost cried (which I don’t often do as an adult) – and this time he was there to give me a squeeze.
I’ve been married for 25 years, but this was truly the nicest thing Anthony has ever said to me.
The Connect cards may not be cheap, but they are still more affordable than marriage counseling.
Rating: 8/10
FOG OF LOVE
FOG OF LOVE £36.19, boardgame.co.uk
£36.19, bordspel.nl
Fog of Love is designed to bring back the passion of a couple getting to know each other for the first time – with all the wonderful uncertainty that comes with not knowing whether the relationship will work out.
And this time you get the freedom to start all over again, from choosing different careers to new looks, character traits and goals.
The aim of the game – which is more like a traditional board game with chips, characters and cards – is to see if you can jointly negotiate the challenges that new (and perhaps more Millennial) couples may face, such as deciding whether to watching porn together.
First, Anthony and I get to choose our characters.
Honestly, it feels liberating to choose to be a blonde, leggy doctor with a good sense of humor, while Anthony chooses to be a Machiavellian entrepreneur with big teeth.
You are then given a love story to play out, in which you respond to different challenges – such as a disagreement in a restaurant or buying a puppy together.
Instead of winning or losing, the goal of the game is ultimately to see how happy you make each other and whether you want to stay together.
But instead of bringing back the excitement, this game simply tested my patience.
There are so many pages in the rule book that it took longer to learn and play than it did to plan our wedding. We had it on our coffee table for four months. We both wanted it to be over so badly that we both acted as unreasonably as possible to end the relationship.
My verdict? This is cosplay for board game nerds, swingers or couples who are extremely bored with each other.
Fog of Love had one benefit to our marriage; it reminded us that we are completely happy when we are just being ourselves with each other.
Rating: 2/10
