DR MAX PEMBERTON: This is what NOT to say when your teenager fails their GCSE exams – and why your parenting REALLY matters now

When we think back to our adolescence, most of us recoil at the horrors of it all. Hormones everywhere, bodies that seem out of control, uncertainty about what you want from life and where you fit into the grand scheme of things. Few of us would choose to go through all that again.

Especially when you also have to relive the horror of exams. Last week the media was full of happy stories of pupils celebrating their A-level successes, but for every happy picture there are other teenagers who are currently in despair, their hopes and plans dashed by disappointing results. The story is repeating itself this week with GCSE results.

Whatever family and friends may say about exams not being the be-all and end-all, for many young people this may be the first major hurdle they face – and it can seem overwhelming.

But how can you, as a parent, best help your child when he or she has to deal with bad news?

It’s important to remember that your role is not just to comfort – and literally provide a shoulder to cry on when needed – but also to help put things into perspective. Over the years, I’ve seen many teenagers spiral downward after setbacks like bad test scores.

Often the first sign that someone starts to isolate is that they stop going out, stop seeing friends and spend more time at home, often in the bedroom.

Parents understandably don’t want to get involved or are afraid of making the situation worse. But in fact, this is often the moment when a timely, kind intervention can nip things in the bud.

Don’t try to minimize the other person’s anger or offer him or her a ready-made solution, but help him or her come up with a plan of his or her own.

It can be very tempting to jump right in and try to ‘make things better’. However well-motivated such an approach may be, try not to be too directive – you may just push them down a path they don’t want to take.

It is also important that they feel in control and learn that they can find their own way through setbacks if they put their mind to it. Setbacks like this can actually be positive learning experiences. And you can support this with a little gentle guidance, reassurance and encouragement.

The reason teenagers have difficulty dealing with these kinds of stressful situations is because their brains are not yet fully developed.

There are certainly those – such as neuroscientist Sarah-Jayne Blakemore, professor of psychology at the University of Cambridge – who believe that such exams should be abolished. It is wrong to burden adolescents with crucial exams at a time when their bodies and minds are already undergoing so many other emotional and physical changes.

While I’m not sure how feasible it is to drop exams, Professor Blakemore raises an important point. While teenagers would undoubtedly disagree, as mature as they may seem, they are still quite immature, at least as far as their brains are concerned.

Of course, there are always exceptions, but brain scan evidence shows that their brains are far from fully formed. In particular, the prefrontal cortex—the area involved in impulse control, delaying gratification, consequences, and inhibiting inappropriate behavior—continues to develop well into their early 20s.

Research shows that this is especially true for boys, whose prefrontal cortex typically takes longer to mature than girls’. It can take up to 25 years for this area of ​​a young man’s brain to fully mature.

This means that even though they know that a certain behaviour is wrong or inappropriate, they don’t have the brains hardwired to deal with the consequences in the way that most adults would. So stressful events – such as GCSE results – can be particularly tough. How can you expect them to realise that what seems earth-shattering now could be a minor mistake in a few years’ time? But there is another positive side to the fact that the teenage brain is still a work in progress – and this is something I would encourage parents and young people to hold on to.

I have often seen teenagers who struggle with mental health issues and, amazingly, get better with time. While mental health support can help, what has really happened is that their neurological development has caught up with them and allowed them to better manage and regulate their emotions.

It may sound unbelievable, but I have seen that time and a supportive environment can help a troubled youth’s brain continue to grow and eventually develop neurological connections that allow them to better deal with overwhelming emotions, rather than experiencing them as catastrophic.

Looking back, it can almost seem miraculous to see the transformation that time and perspective can bring to a young adult.

I am all for Martina adopting

I must admit that I initially had a hard time with the ethics of Martina Navratilova adopting two young boys at the retirement age of 67. I thought to myself: this is too old to meet the physical demands of childhood (something I also wonder about with older fathers).

But then I thought about it. She’s been married to her wife for almost ten years, so they offer stability. And with her athletic history, she could probably outshine a lot of the unfit-looking parents half her age that I see at a school near me.

In addition, I have known many children who were raised by grandparents and that was their way of raising them. Being raised by someone who is a little older, wiser, more confident and less concerned with hype can be a very positive experience.

Research shows that less attractive people live shorter lives than people who are considered more attractive.

This is especially painful for those who are not blessed with beauty, as research has shown that people who look beautiful are more likely to be considered intelligent and earn more.

But those of us who have fallen from the ugly tree and touched every branch need not despair – it is not all good news in the land of the beautiful. Studies have also shown that people attribute their success to looks, not talent or intelligence.

Even beautiful people often wonder if people are attracted to them just because of their beauty and – as surprising as it may seem – could suffer from low self-esteem. Maybe we shouldn’t be too jealous.

Research suggests that tanning beds may reduce the risk of early death, with the benefits of ultraviolet light outweighing the risks of skin cancer. As someone who has had skin cancer surgery, I advise caution. Take a vitamin D supplement instead of tanning.

Dr. Max prescribes: A neck ventilator

I just got back from staying with a friend in the South of France.

One afternoon, two fancy ladies came to lunch with us. Both had strange devices dangling from their necks, which turned out to be neck fans – the latest trend.

They send a constant stream of cool air to the face. Absolute genius. Can’t get one? A classic folding fan is always an elegant option too.