The Titanic sank faster than this marriage – and had fewer leaks!
For months now, we’ve been hearing that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez are on the verge of divorce.
We’re still waiting, as we’re told Affleck will soon file a complaint over Lopez’s insatiable thirst for fame, while his team appears to be updating the media on his daily thoughts, feelings, and multi-million dollar real estate investments.
To be clear, there’s no one to cheer for here.
Jennifer Lopez is also terrible: the stories about her taking back Affleck’s generous tips from service providers are all too believable, as are the stories about her “don’t look at me” edicts and yelling at subordinates.
For months now, we’ve been hearing that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez are on the verge of divorce.
But the idea that Affleck is suffering under her fierce spotlight defies the imagination.
Yes, the man who has spent most of his adult life famous and who has pursued mega-stardom as Batman recently appeared on comedian Kevin Hart’s podcast to point out that he’s “a little shy” and that J.Lo’s fame is “f**kin’ bananas.” He then went on to say, “I don’t like a lot of attention either.”
That must be why Affleck appeared in not one, but two recent Dunkin’ commercials alongside Lopez. Or why he made her documentary about their love.
Or why he showed off his midlife crisis makeover in LA last weekend, strutting his stuff for the paparazzi in his Travis Bickle-inspired mohawk and motorcycle gear, and endlessly waving his left hand in luxury cars so we could see if he was wearing his wedding ring.
Or why sources close to him claimed this week that he is delaying divorce proceedings — prepare yourself — to spare Lopez further humiliation.
“He’s very protective of her,” a source said.
Right — of course! That’s why it came out in May from insiders that “if there was a way to divorce on the grounds of temporary insanity, he… he feels like the last two years have just been a fever dream.”
Saying you were literally crazy when you got married maintains Lopez’s dignity, that’s for sure.
Doug Emhoff, step aside: Affleck is now America’s best villain.
Consider Affleck’s to-camera monologue in J.Lo’s documentary about their astonishing, untold love story, in which he calls his wife a bottomless pit of need, forever broken by a childhood trauma that no therapy can fix.
“In Jennifer’s case,” he reflected, “I don’t think there are enough followers or movies or records or things like that to fill that part of you that feels that longing and that pain.”
Is that true? Definitely, judging by the number of pap walks and Instagram posts Lopez has been generating lately, in which she tries to convince us that she’s having her own Hot Girl Summer in the Hamptons.
But Affleck might as well have been talking about himself.
Affleck showed off his post-midlife crisis makeover in LA this past weekend, strutting his stuff in front of the paparazzi in his Travis Bickle-inspired mohawk and biker gear (pictured).
Judging by the number of pap walks and Instagram posts Lopez has been posting lately, it seems like she’s trying to convince us that she’s having her own Hot Girl Summer in the Hamptons. (Pictured last month in the Hamptons.)
This is a middle-aged man who stormed out of their shared $60 million mansion and into a $100,000-a-month rental property. He was sure to be photographed looking chummy and smitten with his ex-wife, Jennifer Garner — who herself, as the superhero “Elektra,” pokes fun at Affleck in the new film “Deadpool & Wolverine.”
A modest proposal: What if Affleck, Lopez and Garner all joined this soap opera — a telenovela, if you will?
It’s certainly to the advantage of all three players: Garner is back as Ben’s savior. Lopez gets to play the aggrieved woman who has anything but a lasting love. And Ben reprises his signature role as a pathetic genius who just wants to make movies, if only the women in his life would slow down a bit.
I can get behind this theory.
Affleck v. Lopez is, after all, the biggest showbiz storyline ever, with Garner as a supporting player, their poor children as pawns in this sordid game. It’s a Faustian bargain, to be sure, but maybe they’ll be happy with it.
Think about it: J.Lo’s recent documentary, movie musical, and comeback album crashed and burned. After her tour sold so poorly, she had to cancel it altogether, although she claimed it was for “family reasons.”
Affleck’s last film, “Air,” received mediocre reviews, barely made a profit and received no Oscar nominations. Garner is better known for her real-life role as his long-suffering ex-wife than for any acting gig.
No wonder neither Affleck nor J.Lo have actually filed for divorce.
They play their best and most dramatic roles to date, even though the script becomes boring and repetitive.
Seriously, while most Americans are suffering in this economy, a seemingly divorced J.Lo jetted to Italy last month, where only two things caught her attention: her left buttock and her right buttock, which she lovingly photographed on a yacht with her iPhone.
She then moved to the Hamptons, where she was photographed constantly, even yelling at paparazzi to get away from her.
The point is: Paparazzi don’t lurk in the Hamptons. It’s too vast, too rich, too private. Paul McCartney lives in the Hamptons, unmolested and undisturbed. And Madonna, Jay-Z and Beyoncé, and all sorts of megastars.
When J.Lo is photographed, it’s because someone is informing the press.
And how can we forget the Bridgerton-themed party she threw herself to celebrate an important anniversary: 55 years.
Jennifer Lopez is about to cash her Social Security checks. Yet she acts like a teenager, making her guests wear heavy dresses in the heat and watching them adoringly as she sings “Happy Birthday” to herself.
And how can we forget the Bridgerton-themed party she threw herself in honor of a milestone birthday: 55. It all feels very ‘let them eat cake’, doesn’t it?
It all feels very ‘let them eat cake’, doesn’t it?
Especially since Affleck ignored Lopez’s birthday and instead bought a new $20 million home in LA.
It’s all reminiscent of the ways Affleck humiliated Garner in the final days of their marriage: his alleged affair with the nanny (which Affleck has always denied), his garish tattoo on his back of a phoenix rising from the ashes — “Am I the ashes? I take offense,” Garner famously snapped back — and his callous remark to Howard Stern that if he had stayed married to Garner, “I’d probably still be drinking.”
Ben’s sobriety and precarious state is always part of his storyline. As is making whatever woman he leaves behind suffer — immensely and publicly.
We continued to receive more updates on Wednesday evening.
“They know for sure that they’re not built for the long term,” a friend told Page Six. “It’s going to be the most elaborate and expensive shutdown exercise ever.”
Oh my God — WE GOT THE MEMO.
At this point, we’re all the children of this divorce, hiding in our metaphorical bedrooms, silently praying that these two will just pull the plug.
We are exhausted. The constant leaking, the tit-for-tat, the vulgar displays of wealth while whining about fame, the promises to end it all — enough!
It doesn’t have to be this way. But Ben and J.Lo make it that way.
In this most unbearable sense – this extreme need for attention, however negative – they are truly evenly matched.