They are certainly not shy about asking you to fulfill their biggest fantasy: a threesome (of course).
But when it comes to the more emotional side of sex, many men feel embarrassed to ask for what they really want.
Here are six of the sexual experiences he secretly craves…
BEING TOUCHED AND CRUSHED
He says, “When we have sex, it’s very much a matter of ‘put that in me and go at it.’ I can’t remember the last time my wife touched me lovingly, let alone caressed me in a sexual way.”
The need for physical contact is a basic need for emotional well-being – but it’s the first thing to go in a relationship where one of you isn’t into sex. If touching and kissing is seen as a sign of sexual interest, you’re not going to do it if you don’t want sex.
Men want to be kissed and caressed much more than women realize – they crave affection too
I’m not sure people realize how serious the consequences are when you stop showing physical affection.
Without touch, men feel emotionally distant from their partners. Isolated and lonely, they question their physical attractiveness and desirability. Intimacy in the relationship breaks down, making any sex that does occur feel mechanical and forced.
Sex and relationship expert Tracey Cox (pictured) reveals the six sexual experiences men secretly crave, from being kissed and caressed to hearing you pleasure yourself
I get dozens of letters from men in relationships with little or no sex, telling me how miserable they are that their wives don’t show them any affection. Sometimes they miss the touching more than the sex.
Make his day: Tell him that you are afraid to touch him because he will think you want to have sex. Set a clear, strong “I want sex” signal so you can go back to hugging, kissing, and spooning.
TO SEE YOU NAKED FOR AS LONG AS POSSIBLE
He says, “I swear she could strip naked and jump under the covers in less than a second — and that’s all the chance I had to see her naked.”
Men are highly visual creatures – that’s one reason why porn appeals to men, while reading erotica appeals more to women. Devouring your body with their eyes while they have sex with you is one of their greatest pleasures – and one that is often denied to them. It’s lights out and under the covers in more bedrooms than you realize.
Body image is a big issue for many women: we feel shy and ashamed of our bodies and feel uncomfortable when people look at us. An admiring look can feel critical if you’re paranoid about how you look. That’s why women often undress quickly when sex is on the agenda – sometimes when he’s not even in the room – and hide.
Make his day: Ask him to undress you or do it yourself – slowly. Think of getting naked as a slightly faster striptease. If you feel shy or uncomfortable being watched, close your eyes.
TO SHOW YOU WANT HIM
He says, “My wife has never initiated sex in the entire 18 years we’ve been together. It sends a clear message: I’m only having sex with you because you want me to.”
He’s right: never being the one to suggest sex sends strong signals. I don’t want you. I only have sex to please you. Sex with you isn’t fun. You don’t make me happy in bed.
Her initiating sex is the most requested sex act by men – it’s topped his list of most-wanted acts since I started writing about sex decades ago.
Make his day: Do this one simple thing: start having sex when you never or rarely have sex. You will transform your sex life, no matter what state it is in.
TO INDULGE TO A LITTLE PENIS WORSHIP
He says: “Women have no idea of the shame that comes with having a penis that is too small. Laughing at all the jokes about the size, watching her face fall apart when you show her your penis for the first time. Our view of our penis is so intertwined with our identity, it feels like you can’t really love us without loving it.”
There is no female equivalent to a penis. Our genitals are hidden from view, breasts can be altered to make them bigger or smaller, orgasms can be faked. Not only is his penis on display, with ejaculatory evidence of orgasm, there is still no successful surgery to change its length or width. Viagra can make him harder, but it won’t stop him from ejaculating before he or you are ready.
Men are no less insecure than women when it comes to their intimate parts – let your man know you appreciate him
Nothing, absolutely nothing, affects the male ego more than the size and performance of his sex organ. For some men, his entire self-esteem is shattered simply because he experiences it as too small or because he comes too quickly.
Make his day: Let him know that his penis is the perfect size and shape for you and that what he does with it feels amazing. If he has erectile dysfunction or another performance issue, don’t overreact. Let him know that it’s normal and that he shouldn’t be ashamed of it.
TO GET A COMPLIMENT
He says, “My girlfriend praises me all the time. She grabs my biceps in admiration when I come home from the gym; if something good happens at work, there’s champagne and a party waiting for me at home. I feel like a king. A lot of women don’t understand how insecure men are and how desperately we want your approval.”
Men are socialized to seduce women, and to use compliments to win them over. We are raised to expect compliments from men: to be told that we are beautiful, sexy, and attractive.
Women are taught to admire men primarily for their work or financial achievements. It is not “manly” for a man to ask for validation for anything else. When we post a photo, our followers jump right in to tell us how great we look. This does not happen with men. His partner is often the only source of compliments, especially about his appearance – so load them up! Ditto what a great father he is, how much you value his advice, how kind and thoughtful he is.
Make his day: Men need reassurance and want to know that they are loved just as much as women. Try to give at least one compliment a day: a mix of non-sexual (Thanks for your help earlier) and sexual (I swear, you give the best oral sex in the world).
TO HEAR THAT YOU ENJOYED IT (AND NOT JUST AT THE END)
He says, “I’ve slept with a lot of women and most of them stay completely silent until the end. When they think you’re about to come (or want to), they suddenly start moaning and groaning. It feels fake. If they were really enjoying it, why didn’t they make some noise beforehand?”
Noise is audible feedback: a sign that the person you’re having sex with is enjoying it and doesn’t wish it were over.
It’s also extremely useful as feedback/instruction – another thing men crave but don’t like to ask for. Moan when he hits the right spot, and he’ll know he’s found it.
For women, becoming silent can be something we do to help us come: we close our eyes and fantasize or focus on sensations to get us off. Men don’t realize this, so if silence is what you need to get there, let him know that’s why you’re being silent.
Make his day: You don’t have to talk dirty or scream the house out. But a gasp, moan, or “That feels amazing” murmur in his ear will let him know you’re enjoying the experience as much as he hopes.
- Enjoy listening to SexTok, Tracey’s weekly podcast? Don’t miss the last few episodes of season 10 – every Wednesday. Learn more at sextokpod.com or traceycox.com.